Alpha Beat: Cars to drive to the strangest-named towns in Atlantic Canada

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We created this list for two reasons. First, with the current state of world events, most of us could use a good laugh. Second, most of us around here have an inner nine-year old who snickers every time someone tells us they hail from Stoner, British Columbia (it’s about 40 minutes south of Prince George, if you’re wondering).

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Denizens of the Atlantic Provinces are known for having a wicked sense of humour, one likely cultivated in order to cope with weather patterns in which what falls from the sky is simply not to be believed. A good vocabulary and an ample imagination also help, creating place names likely not uttered in the presence of a local vicar. Others simply seem as if the founders dumped a box of Alpha Bits on the table and made a word.

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Alpha Beat: Cars to drive to the strangest-named towns in Atlantic Canada Back to video

Map in hand, we decided to seek out some of Atlantic Canada’s strangest place names and — as a bunch of insufferable gearheads — pair them with a vehicle we would like to drive there. In the same vein, by the way, your author harbours a desire to take a friend named Patrick and pilot a Dodge Viper or Shelby Cobra out of Ireland. Maybe next year.

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Ford Probe: Dildo, Newfoundland and Labrador

How could we begin a juvenile list such as this with any other municipality? The town was always on the radar for a good joke, but its popularity skyrocketed after late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel discovered the place and featured it repeatedly on his program. Your Newfoundland-born author will tell you an area called Spread Eagle is close by, so named for geography which resembles an eagle in full flight when viewed from the air. Get yer mind outta’ the gutter.

Chevrolet Spark LS: Lower Economy, Nova Scotia

This isn’t a knock on the customer demographic of this vehicle, rather a tongue-in-cheek assessment of the Spark’s rock-bottom price, which gives used cars a run for their money at just a hair over $10,000. More than a few people would apparently rather sign the note for that sum on a vehicle with a new car smell and full warranty than one which has been previously owned by other people. This is a compelling argument. As for the town, the first word in its name is actually a locating device, given that Middle Economy and Upper Economy are located nearby.

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Toyota Avalon: Cardigan, Prince Edward Island

One of the oldest communities on the eastern part of the island, the town of Cardigan takes its name from Earl of Cardigan, a British lord who eventually became Prince of Wales. With that history lesson out of the way, we challenge readers to come up with a sedan that’s better equipped to be the vehicular equivalent of a plain cardigan than the Toyota Avalon. Sure, recent iterations include the mystifying Avalon TRD, but early examples were so inoffensive they’d fade into the background more quickly than a boring article of clothing — especially when beige paint was selected.

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Ferrari Testarossa: Cocagne, New Brunswick

You’d have to look pretty hard to find a vehicle more representative of the go-go 1980s than a bespoilered and side-straked Testarossa — especially when painted white. We’ll place the wild Lamborghini Countach in this group as well, again painted white and perhaps with a fine powder covering most of its interior upholstery. They’re the perfect whip in which to visit this New Brunswick town, settled by the Acadians and English and likely named for the Cocagne river.

Any Brodozer: Balls Creek, Nova Scotia

Some stereotypes are so far off the mark that they invite offence with their outmoded and outdated labels. But there are a few — especially in the world of pickup trucks — that are generally right on the money. A distasteful accessory which hangs down from a truck’s towing hitch or part of its chassis needs no explanation, though you should switch on your browser’s safe search settings should you decide to Google what we’re talking about. And, no, there is no apostrophe in the official spelling of this Nova Scotia place.

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Chevrolet SS: Nameless Cove, Newfoundland and Labrador

According to local lore, this municipality’s moniker once bore the pretty name of Flower’s Cove, so-called not because of an abundance of flora, but thanks to the surname of the area’s first lightkeeper. A larger community nearby, going by the title French Island Harbour, ditched their name after the francophones left and chose a replacement name of — you guessed it — Flower’s Cove, leaving the former sans titre . As for the car, it’s hard to imagine a more milquetoast name for a performance vehicle than what was once a trim level on mighty vehicles like the old-school Chevelle, which is what the SS should have been called in the first place.

Mazda MX-5: Heart’s Desire, Newfoundland and Labrador

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Our praise for the nifty and sporty Mazda MX-5 is well documented, as it is for just about every red-blooded gearhead who’s ever climbed behind its wheel. Its near-perfect weight distribution — actually, its lack of weight overall — combined with an expertly-sorted drivetrain creates the type of driving experience that’s a rarity in today’s sanitized and sterile world. The nearby locales of Heart’s Delight and Heart’s Content are suitable destinations for this car, as well.

Toyota Prius: Ebenezer, Prince Edward Island

Located nearly smack-dab in the middle of the island in Queens County, this place is a wealth of rolling farmland and is a short drive from popular tourist attractions. Likely named for various and sundry biblical references, it also puts us in mind of the penny-pinching protagonist found in the works of Charles Dickens. As one of the first mass-market hybrid vehicles to find widespread consumer success, the Toyota Prius continues to eke as many kilometres as possible from a litre of gasoline. While a variety of all-electric EVs get all the press, the Prius continues act like Scrooge when it comes to fuel mileage.