Mini Koopa: Our picks for Mario Kart glory

There are plenty of ways for gearheads to unwind after a long day at work. Some of us like to wrench on a project car. Others will hit the road in search of a quiet drive. And there are those who’ll fire up the Nintendo in order to whip blue shells and banana peels at fictional opponents.

Having spent far too much time dissecting the intricacies of when and where to deploy Bullet Bill or the Triple Mushrooms, we decided now would be a great time to profile some of our favourite kart selections in this too-fun video game from the Kyoto crew.

Now — go and dodge those spiky blue shells!

Yep, we’re starting with a rig which is instantly recognizable to gearheads, yet is also a decently fast and robust choice. Its cool factor is undeniable, and Nintendo even managed to imbue the digital Merc with a pretty powerful engine sound compared to the wimpy little ‘exhaust’ notes from other karts in the game. The only downside to this choice? Your friends will make fun of you for being an insufferable car nerd (which is a brand we’re willing to wear).

Okay — now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s focus on karts which have no basis in reality. This one is immediately identifiable on your screen, thanks to its retro take on the Standard Karts which showed up in the OG releases of the game all those years ago. It is an unlockable feature whose overall stats beat the living tar out of what passes for a modern-day Standard Kart in MK8 and MK8 Deluxe. For anyone keeping track, this choice has the second-highest stat total of any four-wheeled kart body in the current game. Its paint may change colour depending on the character selected.

Sticking with the off-road vibe, the Varmint’s strengths and weaknesses are largely the inverse of the Standard ATV, but it is a much better overall performer. Around our house, it is selected by players if they choose to fit Roller tires in an attempt to offset the thing’s terrible speed stats. Those with a keen ear will probably hear what sounds to be a four-stroke engine, though not much is heard around our house during a round of Mario Kart other than the shouts of excited gamers.

To paraphrase RuPaul, if you want to unlock this kart, you better work. Gaining access to this unlockable feature in Mario Kart 8 requires the player to get at least one star on every race in both Grand Prix and Mirror mode. To put that in perspective, you’ll need to get champion standing in at least half of a four-race event in order to accumulate enough point to get a single star. Those rocking Mario Kart 7 will need to collect something like 20,000 coins to unlock it. Its stats don’t tower over those of other karts, but there’s no denying the cool factor.

We’re mashing these together because they share identical stats and — in their own unique ways — look completely ridiculous. Be forewarned that both of these karts have worse-than-average ratings for acceleration and top speed, but claw back some street cred in weight and handling. Why are they on this list, then? If you can catch a mini-turbo during the race, it’ll rocket ahead as if it were shot out of Bowser’s cannon with up to four times the boost of other karts. Pick your line and hang on tight.

Level 3 Heavy Characters

In later versions of Mario Kart, the character chosen as a driver actually makes more than a bit of difference to one’s racing experience. In an ever so slight nod to real world physics, the so-called ‘Level 3 Heavy’ pilots (such as Wario or Morton) give up some acceleration in exchange for a higher and arguably more sustainable top speed. Fitting slick tires and choosing one of the karts mentioned above helps to offset the negative attributes of these characters, and their weight enables players to bash their opponents out of the way with such vigour that they’re not likely to be seen again until next Christmas.