Shopping for a 2021 Mercedes-AMG G63? Look at these alternatives

Everyone, it seems, wants a G63. Pimply-faced pre-teens who couldn’t afford a Mercedes doob—er, cigarette lighter. Ontario Supreme Court judges who should, one would think, know better. Even Tesla-driving greenies gawk. Hell, my neighbor/photographer absolutely hates SUVs, and even he’s trying to convince his wife to sell the house so they can live in the boxy sport brute. You better have one fancy Ferrari if you’re going to compete in the Gran Prix du Rodeo Drive with a G63.

As for how it drives, that is probably best — or, at least, most honestly — described as “not as bad as it used to.” Recently refreshed in 2018, the Galendewagen had spent most of the last 40 years frozen in time, 2018 bringing new framework, better suspension, and a much-needed interior revision. So now the G63 goes better, handles better, and actually has a modicum of the spaciousness that its huge body promised but failed to deliver in previous versions.

That all said, it still rides on a live axle in the rear — the front suspension, however, has finally been modernized to a double-wishbone system — and still weighs almost as much as a small dump truck. The G63 is not, despite its hefty price tag, big boxy shape, and equally big booming exhaust, the best at anything.

Its 2,650-kilogram curb weight, for instance, blunts the charge of its otherwise impressive 577 horsepower, those two live axles work against the magic of Mercedes’ incredibly sophisticated electronically-controlled suspension, and a transmission tunnel to beat all transmission tunnels still makes the seating kinda cozy.

And no, despite some pretty sophisticated shock absorbers, it doesn’t ride anywhere near as well as an S-Class — or the aforementioned X5M, in fact — but it does handle bumps and road heaves better than expected. Well enough, in fact, that a long 650-kilometre straight shot to Mont Tremblant was more than comfortable enough.

Which also describes the interior. To be sure the G63 is not as roomy inside as, say, Mercedes’ own GLS. But, take my word for it, there’s absolutely not going to be any cross-shopping between the GLS and the monster-motored Galendewagon.

That’s because the G63 isn’t really a luxury SUV, despite its three-pointed hood ornament and a truly slick powertrain (there’s a nine-speed automatic, no fewer than three-locking differentials, and some truly wondrous electronic safety nannies). It’s a resto-mod. A resto-mod designed, engineered, and manufactured by of one of the most accomplished automakers on the planet, but a resto-mod nonetheless. And, by that standard, it’s nothing short of phantabulous. If you’ve got $211,900 (the official list price; reality says you’ll need closer to three hundred large to take possession) and crave the attention of strangers, there’s nothing better.

Presence. The Lamborghini is sexy. It designers will point to styling “cues” reminiscent of Lambos past, and modernisms pointing to its future. But the stark truth of the matter is that, parked beside a G63, the Urus fairly disappears. Let there be no doubt that the Urus is the far superior vehicle. Or that, had Lamborghini taken a cue from the Mercedes playbook and jacked the Urus undercarriage under a modernized version of its famed LM-002 “Rambo Lambo,” there’s little doubt the Italian’s oil-sheiks-in-the-Sahara styling would have trumped Teutonic slogging-through-mud squareness. But when you’re playing to an audience — and that is, despite any post-purchase rationalizations, the main reason for buying a G63 — the Lambo doesn’t stand a chance.

Like the G, it’s powered by Merc’s twin-turbocharged 4.0L V8, this one with the company’s EQS belt-alternator-stator mild hybrid system for a pretense at environmental consciousness. And, like the G63, its heft — 2,760 kilograms — may blunt the charge somewhat, but sprinting to 100 km/h in just five seconds is probably as much as Lord Faunterloy in the back seat can probably stand.

But the most important thing about the G63 is that it is absolutely wonderful that, in this day and age, Mercedes-Benz is still making something so blatantly wasteful and extravagant. God bless AMG.