Shopping for a 2021 Mercedes-AMG G63? Look at these alternatives

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So, you want Merc’s top-of-the-line G-Class, the AMG G63. Well, who the hell can blame you? The most attention-grabbing thing on four wheels short of a lime-green Bugatti with $1,000 bills (loosely) taped to its fenders, driving an AMG’ed Galendewagen is to never be lonely. Strangers will accost you on the street, friends will beg you for rides, and family will fret that you’ve entered into some illicit trading beyond just the insider. Seriously, I’m not sure walking down Main Street completely naked will attract as much attention. Certainly not as much positive attention.

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Everyone, it seems, wants a G63. Pimply-faced pre-teens who couldn’t afford a Mercedes doob—er, cigarette lighter. Ontario Supreme Court judges who should, one would think, know better. Even Tesla-driving greenies gawk. Hell, my neighbor/photographer absolutely hates SUVs, and even he’s trying to convince his wife to sell the house so they can live in the boxy sport brute. You better have one fancy Ferrari if you’re going to compete in the Gran Prix du Rodeo Drive with a G63.

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As for how it drives, that is probably best — or, at least, most honestly — described as “not as bad as it used to.” Recently refreshed in 2018, the Galendewagen had spent most of the last 40 years frozen in time, 2018 bringing new framework, better suspension, and a much-needed interior revision. So now the G63 goes better, handles better, and actually has a modicum of the spaciousness that its huge body promised but failed to deliver in previous versions.

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That all said, it still rides on a live axle in the rear — the front suspension, however, has finally been modernized to a double-wishbone system — and still weighs almost as much as a small dump truck. The G63 is not, despite its hefty price tag, big boxy shape, and equally big booming exhaust, the best at anything.

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Its 2,650-kilogram curb weight, for instance, blunts the charge of its otherwise impressive 577 horsepower, those two live axles work against the magic of Mercedes’ incredibly sophisticated electronically-controlled suspension, and a transmission tunnel to beat all transmission tunnels still makes the seating kinda cozy.

The big question, then, is not whether the G63 is the best luxury SUV you can buy, but rather whether it is good enough not to hinder its primary function — again, impress strangers, dazzle friends and worry family. And to that, the answer is a resounding “yes.” The G63 might not be nearly as fast as an X5M which, for instance, boasts about the same horsepower from its quite similar twin-turbo’ed 4.0-litre V8, but 4.5 seconds to 100 kilometres an hour is nothing to be sniffed at, especially when it’s accompanied by a truly epic launch sequence.

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And no, despite some pretty sophisticated shock absorbers, it doesn’t ride anywhere near as well as an S-Class — or the aforementioned X5M, in fact — but it does handle bumps and road heaves better than expected. Well enough, in fact, that a long 650-kilometre straight shot to Mont Tremblant was more than comfortable enough.

Which also describes the interior. To be sure the G63 is not as roomy inside as, say, Mercedes’ own GLS. But, take my word for it, there’s absolutely not going to be any cross-shopping between the GLS and the monster-motored Galendewagon.

That’s because the G63 isn’t really a luxury SUV, despite its three-pointed hood ornament and a truly slick powertrain (there’s a nine-speed automatic, no fewer than three-locking differentials, and some truly wondrous electronic safety nannies). It’s a resto-mod. A resto-mod designed, engineered, and manufactured by of one of the most accomplished automakers on the planet, but a resto-mod nonetheless. And, by that standard, it’s nothing short of phantabulous. If you’ve got $211,900 (the official list price; reality says you’ll need closer to three hundred large to take possession) and crave the attention of strangers, there’s nothing better.

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You want to shop Lamborghini. Good choice, the new Urus a veritable a weapon amongst sport-utes. It’s 641 rootin’ tootin’ Italian horsepower married to the magic of a Sant’Agata Bolognese suspension, all built with the ruthless efficiency of German know-how (Audi owns Lamborghini, and the VW Group supplies both basic platform and engine). It’s fast (3.6 to 100 km/h), comfortable, and fairly spacious. In fact, it beats the G63 in virtually every regard except—

Presence. The Lamborghini is sexy. It designers will point to styling “cues” reminiscent of Lambos past, and modernisms pointing to its future. But the stark truth of the matter is that, parked beside a G63, the Urus fairly disappears. Let there be no doubt that the Urus is the far superior vehicle. Or that, had Lamborghini taken a cue from the Mercedes playbook and jacked the Urus undercarriage under a modernized version of its famed LM-002 “Rambo Lambo,” there’s little doubt the Italian’s oil-sheiks-in-the-Sahara styling would have trumped Teutonic slogging-through-mud squareness. But when you’re playing to an audience — and that is, despite any post-purchase rationalizations, the main reason for buying a G63 — the Lambo doesn’t stand a chance.

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You want something square and “old.” Well, the only thing with anything like the Mercedes’ resto-mod appeal is Jeep’s Wrangler. Now, to be sure, the Jeep name, despite its strong image, can’t compete with the Mercedes’ tri-star. Nor is anyone going to mistake the inside of even the most luxuriously-appointed Rubicon for the incredible, post-Louis-Vitton hedonism of the G63. Nor is anyone shopping in this snack bracket for a proletariat-impressing bobble likely to visit a Jeep dealership.

But, money and opulence aside, the appeal is much the same. Their boxy shapes evoke memories of a simpler drive, they offend the same people with their complete lack of efficiency — the G63 averaged 15.0L/100 km on the highway — and both, despite all their tech-ery, purport to capture a simpler time. They are both, at least visually, a poke in the eye to all that is modern about the automobile. That said, I’d buy the 4xe version of the four-door Jeep . It’s quite entertaining, as green as you can make a 1948 Willys without going fully electric, and about a fifth of the cost of a fully-optioned G63.

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You want to spend equally big money, but on a different Mercedes-Benz SUV. Well, then your only choice is the Mercedes-Maybach GLS 600 . Now, understand me well: there’s no more probability of finding someone cross-shopping a G63 with the Maybach’ed GLS than anyone perusing aviation websites trying to decided between an Art Teeters P-51 and a Gulfstream IV (though Tom Cruise does seem to own examples of both). Nonetheless, if you’re looking to spend more than two hundred large  — and, in the case of the supply-limited G63, closer to three — with a Mercedes badge, the limousine-like GLS is the only other game in town.

Like the G, it’s powered by Merc’s twin-turbocharged 4.0L V8, this one with the company’s EQS belt-alternator-stator mild hybrid system for a pretense at environmental consciousness. And, like the G63, its heft — 2,760 kilograms — may blunt the charge somewhat, but sprinting to 100 km/h in just five seconds is probably as much as Lord Faunterloy in the back seat can probably stand.

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In every other regard, they are completely disparate vehicles. One is all soft and cuddly; the other is The Terminator. One begs to fade into the background; the other screams “look at me” as if the attention of others can fill the whole so obviously gaping in Mr. Cruise’s heart. And only one will get you excited enough to pat its front flank when you park it for the night, flick its door-opener just so you can hear the old school clickety-clank of its locking mechanism, or roll down the windows so you can hear the wonderful BLAAT! of its obscenely-stupid side pipes. The G63 is stupendously wasteful, incredibly self-indulgent and comically engineered (see: those aforementioned side pipes on a vehicle that pretends to go off-roading).

But the most important thing about the G63 is that it is absolutely wonderful that, in this day and age, Mercedes-Benz is still making something so blatantly wasteful and extravagant. God bless AMG.